May 24 - (5:45 PM EST) For the millions of American Idolaters currently wringing their hands in fevered anticipation for tonight's American Idol results we apologize for ruining the moment: Taylor Hicks wins American Idol in the greatest 'voting shock' since the Republican Supreme Court justices all voted along party lines to uphold the election results in 2000.
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You can still bet on the outcome of American Idol at the online sportsbook Bodog.com, which seems odd in itself since the winner of American Idol is a foregone conclusion. Taylor Hicks, who offended the nation's collective sensibility by wearing a hideous purple sports jacket in last night's finale (it did deflect attention away from his 'groovy' singing, however, so it served a purpose), is guaranteed to win tonight.
The purple jacket scored well in Red states with many shrewd patriots observing: "If you mix Red, White, and Blue together you get purple. God bless America! God Bless Taylor! We're number 1! Woo-hoo!"
Spare a thought for the warbling beauty, Katharine McPhee, rescued from a career as a lounge singer on a cruise liner and on her way to a career singing show tunes in Broadway musicals. It's not that the vote is fixed, although the judges have certainly directed traffic in one direction and American minds (at least the kind that vote) are nothing if not malleable. It's just that Taylor Hicks resonates with a certain type of person, and that type of person makes up the majority of voters.
What kind of person you might ask? Well, a person like Rita from Oregon, a concerned member of the Soul Patrol who wrote to us to defend Taylor's besmirched honor (besmirched in a previous article about American Idol on the Insider). She claimed that I was a "big fat, unshaven jerk, with a cigar and drool"(sic) because only someone like that could be capable of writing the drivel I published about Taylor Hicks. When the Soul Patrol are not patrolling the Internet looking to attack anyone who is not a supporter of hicks they presumably are the same people who patrol our beloved nation's borders.
She went on to say that Taylor Hicks is a "wonderful performer, one that the world has been waiting for since Elvis came on the scene. He is a humble, thankful human being" and that I (the author of this scathing, hatemongering article) should be ashamed with myself.
I am ashamed with myself, mainly for watching those two episodes of American Idol. As to Taylor Hicks being the second coming of Elvis I would have to argue that as with all highly-anticipated second comings wasn't once more than enough?
I don't want to travel to Vegas again to watch some big, fat, unshaven jerk slobber into a mike, a-shakin his hips and crooning a song that someone else wrote for him, and then to read that he keeled over dead while sitting on the toilet thanks to inhaling one too many cocaine-sprinkled buckets of chicken. But that will probably only happen ten years down the line. For now we have a whole decade of soulful Taylor Hicks classic tunes to look forward to, and I for one will be first in line to purchase his remake of "You Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog".
American Idol is of course the equivalent of American Cheese. It's processed, entirely artificial, relies on a barrage of multi-media marketing that Goebbels couldn't have dreamed up, and ultimately isn't what it purports to be: American Idol is not real music, just like American Cheese is not real cheese. But it is gobbled up gratefully by the masses, and when you criticize the end product in the land of the free you open yourself up to anger.
But let's answer the burning question: It's not Will Taylor Hicks Win American Idol? (Yes, for the last time) - It's not Is There A Way To Re-Elect George W. Bush, Because I'd Sure Like To Vote For Him For A Third Time? (Unfortunately, the answer there is an aw-shucks 'fraid not) - the burning question is So, What Do I Really Look Like???
My torso has been described as 'sculpted', they went on to say "...by a blind man" but that's neither here nor there, my hair is wavy black, much like the King's, may he rest in peace, and sometimes it's difficult for me to type because my enormous lats get in the way. I don't smoke cigars, but I am tempted to light one up in celebration tonight. Because when Taylor Hicks is crowned the new American Idol it signifies that this awful show is finally over...at least until next season (shudder).
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