May 30 - Forget about gambling away millions of dollars at Vegas slot machines, or defying the DOJ by opening an online gambling account, for most Americans the idea of giving birth in Africa would qualify as the ultimate gamble. And yet, in an utterly condescending gesture, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt chose Namibia as the venue to spawn.
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One might argue that the biggest gamble was taken by Brad Pitt when he agreed to go out with Angelina Jolie in the first place. Jolie, best known for marrying actors and then divorcing them, has already worked her way through Johnny Lee Miller and Billy Bob Thornton, and that excludes actresses, close relatives, and others who enjoy carrying Jolie's blood in a tiny vial worn around their neck as a symbol of love.
Namibia might not be much of a country - it's basically a pile of sand with plenty of diamonds, but that's of no concern to Namibians since they're fenced off from the diamonds by DeBeers - but we hoped that they'd have enough self-respect as a nation to pay as little attention to Brad and Angelina as was warranted. Instead they bent over backwards to accommodate and protect them, making it a matter of national security that no-one should bother them.
Namibia was blessed by the presence of the star couple, but Namibian doctors ("dude, do they even have doctors over there?" - sample American voice) were not allowed to deliver the baby. That job was handled by the couple's own doctor who was jetted out ("dude, they have an airport over there?" - same voice) to make sure no Namibian hand touched Jolie's precious womb.
Namibia has announced that the baby, Shiloh Noveau Riche Jolie-Pitt or something similarly pompous and dumb, is welcome to Namibian citizenship. Laughter from Jolie and Pitt could be heard all the way in Hollywood. Namibia might be sycophantically grateful for the attention but should also realize that they were chosen for being as remote as the moon, as alien as Martians, and as the official arse-end of the world. Plans for Hollywood stars to relocate there are not really on the horizon, so wake up, Namibia! The best that the country can hope for is to be honored with a visit from Amazing Race, where Americans must find taxis in strange lands in order to win $1 million.
Shiloh, which means "child of divorce" in Sanskrit, is apparently doing well according to People, the magazine that forked out millions of dollars to report on the birth to awe-struck Americans back home.
By the time Shiloh is in high school her mom should be on husband number 6, and well on her way to becoming the tortured and puffy Liz Taylor of the me-generation. But the good news is that she can hang out with Suri Holmes-Cruise and say a slient prayer of thanks that she wasn't raised in that family home.
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